A long long time ago my life felt like it was over. I had no future, no freedom, I did as I was told, I barely existed.
Yet here I am, with my body draped over a lovely chap that respects me, head on his chest feeling almost blessed. I’m pondering how unlikely it was that we even met, let alone that we would end up with each other. It’s like he knows what I’m thinking as he says “happy happy happy”, “what are you happy about?”, “that I’ve got you!”.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. we’ve been in love for 15 years now, but the last year has definitely been the best. We’ve been vanilla(ish) most of our relationship, with things getting gradually more fun as I learnt to trust again. I learnt to live, and how to be free.
I proposed to him in January, married in June and got collared in September. Since being married I’ve felt such love, protection and acceptance that I suggested that he collar me. Now that sounds strange, finally able to feel free, and I ask for a virtual chain.
But it is not a desire to be chained, shackled or hurt – it’s a deeper level of trust. Husband pretty much owns my soul, and my heart, why not my body too?
It’s a strange feeling of liberation, being collared. I feel stronger and happier knowing that we have such a connection. Even when vanilla types glare at my (very unsubtle) collar and seem disgusted or offended by it, I feel proud. I chose my Husband. I asked his parents permission. I dropped to one fucking knee and told him I wanted him. I married him. I submitted to him. And all as my own choices.
I never thought I’d be here. I truthfully didn’t think I’d live past my early twenties – I escaped from the danger I was in, but I still got death threats. I still had meltdowns and nightmares – part of myself was still there, locked in to my own home and being raped, abused and hurt. I never thought I would have the strength to run. To survive. To make it through the suicidal times. But somehow I did. It wasn’t easy, and I have no idea how Husband coped with me in the early years of our relationship – I know I was a fucking wreck. But now I feel completely over it, safe, happy and settled.
I still pinch myself sometimes, I’m alive and married. Respected and loved completely. I matter and I’m so much more than just a survivor.